Although it is not a bad thing to be shy, maybe you want to change the negative consequences of your shyness. I know that my shy nature can make me seem uninterested in other people, and so I wanted to explore the qualities of a shy person that may be misconstrued as "cold" or "distant"- let's take the inability to look someone in the eye.
It can be such an intimate, vulnerable gesture. People say that the eyes are the windows to the soul- they sure do FEEL like it, and some of us, we just don't feel comfortable with what someone might see when they look into ours. Here's the problem with letting that fear keep us from maintaining a healthy amount of eye contact: Think about the last time you were with someone who did not look you in the eye a lot, or maybe about a stranger who was staring at you a little too much. How did they come across to you? Did you feel more or less comfortable around them?
I will tell you a few things that have helped me to increase my eye contact with other people, and then to keep a healthy balance of look/look away. This will involve testing your limits, but take a tiny shuffle at a time out of your comfort zone. No one is going to throw you to the dogs, as the pace you keep is dictated by you and you only. The more you practice keeping eye contact, the easier it will become.
- Take a few deep breaths before social interactions. If possible, get your mind on something engaging or calming beforehand. Have a soothing image that you can flip to in your mind as a default, if you find that you have negative thoughts circulating through your head.
- Think and reflect on Why you are afraid of meeting their eyes, exploring the source of your fear. Then think this: "Is my fear realistic?" or "Would I think someone else were silly if they told me they were thinking this?". For example, "I am scared of what they might see when they look at me." Realize that you are no horrible, ghastly monster! People will not be able to read your every thought or scrutinize your every action. What you think of yourself can often give you insight into why you behave the way you do around others.
- Realize that we ourselves do not think about and judge people as harshly as we think they judge us! People are normally more concerned with themselves and their own thoughts than any minuscule flaws in the person they are with. We only see our "flaws" so clearly because we have a front row seat to viewing and feeling them.
- When you are with another person, notice how long this other person is keeping your gaze. We do not Just look into the eyes of a person whom we are talking to, we look around. We pick lint off of our jacket. We look for another subject for the conversation, like the clouds or a house we are passing by. You will find that the amount of eye contact you keep with another person depends on the situation you are in and your relationship with them. Eye contact will also vary in different cultures- sometimes it is seen as more or less respectful to keep someone's gaze. Keeping eye contact for too long to a stranger or to a superior may come off as cocky, invasive and uninviting. Don't look someone in the eye at all, and you seem uninvested in your time with them. Find a healthy medium to your soul-staring.
- Gradually increase/adjust the amount of eye contact you have with other people.
You may be frustrated if you do not see immediate improvement in your abilities. Do not despair, this is a social habit that takes some time to form. You can repeat these actions again and again, and you will find that they will become more automatic. Our bodies get used to how we think and act, and puts our "normal" behaviors on auto-pilot.
If you know someone who has a difficult time maintaining eye contact with you, do not always assume that they do not want to connect with you. You may want to change your body language, tone of voice and intensity to fit with what will make them comfortable or more trusting of you. A small joke or teasing may also lighten the mood.
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to drop em here.
-iNTune
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